ugh. ya know. sometimes i just dont know what else i can do . i try to be a good friend, girl friend, daughter, sister, cousin, niece, all the while trying to be good to myself and its just not working. if im being a good friend, im not being a good girlfriend. if im being a good girlfriend, im not a good friend. if im not a good niece, then im a good cousin. its like i can never win. all the while, im trying to grow up - learn and experience life in the moment because once its gone, its not coming back. ive learned that A LOT this past year with looking at my own family and looking at other peoples families. and its the truth. if we dont cherish these moments, right here and now, then we will regret them because they are NEVER coming back once they are gone.
ive tried for YEARS to be a good friend. swallowed my tongue when i didnt want to, accepted things i hated, and just went with the flow of things because i was young and didnt have anything else i really had to care about nor was i worried about anything else. and now, that i finally am starting to live in the REAL WORLD am i just getting slapped in the face time and time again. and quite frankly, im fuckin tired of it. that whole time i kept my mouth shut and now that that im finally being honest is it this whole fuckin problem. shoulda been honest from the jump and not care if i hurt anyone's feelings but then it would have been out there all along and not years down the line. fuckin over it. for real.
being a girlfriend - let me tell you, its like a full time job. but its the best full time job in the world. i dont think ANYONE in this world fights more then me and my boyfriend. and i mean we fight BAD but its like we fight, and then we get over it and then we are back to good as new. is it normal - probably not. but its normal for us. is it healthy - probably not, but i feel like we need to get it all out of the way so we can just live happily ever after : )
and this family. o m g . i know everyone has family problems but i feel like my family turned from this tight knit squad to a fucking split up mess. i know that if it ever came to blows - my family would stick together and fight for each other regardless. but its hard to even like some of them at the moment.
well i feel better. just had to get some of that out. its amazing how a little writing can just make you feel 100% better. now back to my craziness : )