so its fathers day. never was a big deal to me really. my parents were divorced at 7. dont remember any fathers days spent with him. and the ones i did spend, they didnt really mean much. but i still make my phone call because its the politically correct thing to do.
but this year was different. i was conversing with my girl about our fathers and its funny - some things you just NEVER forget. i cant tell you half the shit about my childhood because i just dont remember but i can relive the day my parents decided to divorce like it was yesterday. i can tell you what i was wearing, what they were wearing, what we were eating for dinner, and exactly what words were said. some days i wish i wouldnt remember it. but i do. and it lives with me every day.
this year was the hardest though. and ive realized why. being in the relationship that im in, i wouldnt give my man up for ANYTHING. the bond we've created and the things we've been through mean the WORLD to me. we dont even have kids to keep us attached forever but our relationship is worth more then anything. i would NEVER turn my back on that or him. i would NEVER hurt him or put anything before him.
and then here goes my dad (which i use that term loosely) who had everything. good woman, great kids, good job, a house over his head, food on the table, and clothes on his back. and he cheats. and lets my brother see him. and then blames my brother for why he got caught. throws away everything he has for some pussy. and most days, i feel like why werent we good enough? what did we do so wrong that he felt he needed to go cheat? he didnt just cheat on my mom , he cheated on us too. and when your 7 and 11 you dont realize whats really going on. you never fully understand whats happening and the consequences it bears. but i do. because i live with them every day and i feel the pain that they've caused EVERY DAY.
so now im in this place where i have a man i pray i will marry one day and i look at him every day and thank God for him and i live my life trying to better myself for us. if i can do it at 23 why couldnt he do it at 30 something. with kids . for so long i thought love never existed because look how people build for years and just throw it all away for a bitch. for a loose pussy he threw away his kids. that was worth more to him then us? then me?
and it hurts knowing that he will never know any of this. my brother and him no longer speak so i feel like its my duty to speak to him just so he has some relationship with one of his kids. but i feel like its a job when i have to call him. he doesnt even try. he doesnt try to call me. he doesnt make plans with me. i have to go there to see him. why cant he try to? i guess he just doesnt care. so why should i ? maybe because at one point i was his little girl. he used to carry me around and roll around on the floor and tickle me and play with me. he used to feed me ramon noodles out of a coffee mug with a moose on it while we laid on the couch and watched golf. he used to rub my belly when i was sick. he used to adore me. and i used to adore him. and now hes a man im growing to hate. hes made mistakes all his life - and hes human. thats what we do. but an adult owns up to them and makes things better. not my father. he never will either. and i dont wanna end up living like he does ... but i guess i dont have that choice.
on a brighter note, i have recently come to terms with myself that i am not him. i look like him. i talk like him. i have some of same tendencies as him. but i AM NOT him . and i never will be. my kids will never go through what i have. and if i marry my man, i know they will have the best father in the world. thats the main reason why ive never wanted kids and dont want them for a few more years. i want my kids to have a mom and dad, that are married and have a home. i dont want to give them half assed things just because i was irresponsible. but it feels good to know that i dont have to be him and although ill never get over what hes done and i will never forget them, all i can do now is to look at him as a model of what i never wanna be.
so for that i guess i can say thank you.