been missin in action ... busy? kinda ... stressed? major ... happy? getting there ... angry? still ...
so ive come to terms with the fact that im just a miserable bitch. i hate just about everyone. half the time i dont even wanna be friends with the people im friends with. i argue/fight with people i know, dont know, and even love with all my heart. i hate being nice to people i dont know nor like and confrontation has become my middle name. ive pushed just about everyone that really cares about me away and the only one left standing is my man. (side note: God bless him cuz not once has he strayed or threatened to leave. he rides for me mentally and thats all i could ever want from him). when i tried to put it on paper, i got more reasons for why im sad than why im mad which makes sense to me - i always like to try and cover things up. cover them up with comedy, sarcasm, and just being my natural bitch self (ima female, of course im going to be a bitch. but i be taking it too far these days). i think the reason im so angry is because im trying to hide the reasons for why im sad and anxious all the damn time. im driving myself crazy. and i know if i dont start to change ill end up doing something ill regret. and the last thing i wanna do is lose the relationships ive worked so hard to build.
so today is the start of a brand new life for me. im going to try and be positive - not get mad so easy, not scream out the windows when i get road rage, not to pick fights with my boyfriend just to do it, not to be so anti social, and just start living like i used to. smiling like i had not a care in the world and really meaning the feelings that i show in front of other people.
its been a tough couple of weeks but i thank my mom and my boyfriend for having my back and supporting me. im so blessed to have them both and i thank God every day for them.
its not going to be easy .. but ive got to change .. cuz the last person i want to become is the person who's done nothing but hurt me all my life . . .